Guilt free living

I've decided that a great thing for me to do would be to focus on living guilt free. I know that sounds dangerous, but I think it's extremely important for me to do. I have sooooo much guilt in me about everything I do, it's overwhelming. So here's my plan going forward:

So long as my responsibilities are taken care of, I will not feel guilty about my actions or choices.

Getting better

Well it's been about a week since I've last written about how I'm feeling. It's been getting progressively better but the underlying feeling is still there. I'm really not feeling like myself and I'm concerned that's it's showing to the people around me.

I'm not taking any medication, I thought that the CBT method would be a good thing to explore but it costs a fortune to do. I understand the principals behind the method and have somewhat been trying to implement it myself. The idea is that you desensitize yourself by constantly going at the fears that you have.

Anyways, I still feel like there is something that's trying to break out of my body, something that I'm simply not able to really touch or feel. I'm pretty certain it's the boy who's just dying inside to really get out and feel. I'm really not able to feel things the way that I should be feeling things, I just sort of have this numbness where I'm reacting on how I should intelligently... but not necessarily how I feel.

I need to focus on how i'm feeling in those moments and try to recognize why it is that I'm not really feeling it. That'll be my next task.

Carrying on...

So, I'm back at home on Wickson now... unsure of how I got back there, but whatever. I remember getting in trouble for throwing a shoe at my sister, I hit her right in the eye. I didn't mean to to hit her really, I was rounding the corner and just whipped it blindly at her... and it caught her good. I got in pretty bad trouble.

I remember that I used to go downstairs in the middle of the night, and sleep by the front door. I would sleep with no blankets, on the mat by the front door, 3 flights of stairs from anyone in my family... in the middle of the night... alone. I did this a lot. What makes a 6 year old child do that? Most children want to be in there parents bed, sleeping with them. Why was I on a cold mat, by the only exit to get out of my house?

there's more, I'll write tomorrow. Something's wrong here.

What happened?

So, I decided to go right into 'him'. That life from before, what exactly did happen then... sometimes I'm unsure. I should write about it. Perhaps if I recall my life events I can track where exactly things got 'different'.

My earliest childhood memories go back to about the age of 6 or 7. We were living on Wickson, we being my Mom, Dad and older sister. I went to GO Public school. From what I can remember then, things were pretty normal. I had a best friend named Michael, we hung out all the time. We used to fight a lot too... I mean reallly kick the shit out of each other. I think that's what little boys do.

School was pretty normal at that time too, I was in Kindergarten. Nothing that I can really think of that is abnormal. When my little sister was coming along, I remember having to stay at my grandmothers place. I also went to a different school for a short time. I remember being in class, sitting down with a group of kids listening to the teacher read a book. A guy behind me was kicking me in the back constantly... I was the new kid, so kinda the way it goes. I told the teacher I was getting kicked in the back constantly, so the boy got in trouble. They were all waiting for me outside after school and I can only remember standing there ready to fight them all. I don't really remember what happened, nothing I assume.

I don't really remember coming home and my little sister being a baby, we're 7 years different so it's strange that I don't remember her being around at all. I remember being up late crying one night hoping that my mom was ok in the hospital, not knowing what was wrong.

Father

If Bella needed me to be strong, to protect her, to speak on her behalf, to be her father... there would be no hesitation on my part. I would take on any fear for her, head on... with no second thought or breath.

The question is, why can't I do that for myself?

Why? Well, it seems the only likely answer could be that I don't love myself. Or there's something in me that won't let me take care of myself, first. The truth is, I can be nothing to Bella if I don't take good care of myself first. That should be my first priority, always.

Bella needs me well. I need myself well. So I should be focusing a lot of my energy on myself, to gain that strength.

I feel right now like I'm losing my strength, and I simply won't allow that. I am going to gather my strength and momentum to get things right, the way that I would like them.

While things that happened to me may seem horrible, in reality... things could be very worse. I need to be thankful for the things I have in my life. A beautiful daughter, a beautiful gf, a beautiful home, people who love and respect me in my life.

The boy is still there, and of course he has issues. But I am here to make that all well now. I am in control. This is my life. This is my mind. These are my choices of what I choose to feel. Regardless of home much it seems I'm not in control, I can change it. I can take control if I truly believe in myself.

I will write about him as well.

Stress at work

I'm dealing with quite a bit of stress at work today and I think it's contributing to how I feel. One of my employees and I are really battling it out and it's just taking so much out of me to deal with. I work in an organization where confrontation is avoided at all costs... people literally have altercations at work without follow up. So i feel like I'm unsupported and I'm working in an environment like a McDonalds run a muck.

I know if I look at it objectively, this person has done it to themself. Comes in late, takes long lunches, leaves early, plays games at work a lot, has an attitude and general disrepect towards authority. I'm a very non-confrontational person myself, but I can't stand by and allow this to happen... it's my job to make sure that it doesn't. So I'm really all over this personn right now and it's creating quite a bit of underlying animosity between the two of us. I personally think he deserves to be dismissed, but dont' quite have the authority to make that call at this time.

It's very stressful, very very stressful. .What I should be doing is focusing on the things that I can control. I can't control his actions. I can't make him comply with the basics of employment, whatever he does he does by his own choice. It's not because I'm a bad manager, because I have other members of my team who do comply and respect my word. I'm a honest and sincere boss, something I always wanted myself. I'm a gift to my employees, because I'm approachable and understanding, compassionate and thorough. I'm also good at what I do. Part of the big problem is simply the account I work on, and the turmoil that it's in. There is very little support from upper management in my role, so I'm being hung out to try. I do have the support of my new VP and hopefully that will bring this issue to the fore front.

I've done all i can to support this person and help them, but it is not my fault that things are the way they are. This will get resolved soon, as I simply won't tolerate it anymore.

What did he feel like, then?

How did he feel back then, when everything was happening? I get the feeling, he felt much like I do now. I get the feeling he felt numb, tense, tight, and not in control. I get the feeling everything he felt I feel now.

I remember being back there. I can remember being in that bed that he'd sneak me into at night, behind his perceptive mother's back. She was old, but wise. I remember being in that bed and trying to move myself into a position where he just couldn't touch me. No matter how hard I tried, he'd still find a way. I had told him numerous times before, that I didn't like what he was doing... but he did it anyways. And I kept coming back, feeling like he was the only thing I had in my life. I remember feeling like I couldn't move a muscle, like this was just happening and how the hell could I stop it... how could I make this stop. I felt like a statue, frozen... i couldn't move, and all I wanted more than anything was to be somewhere else.... a place where he'd care for me the same, without touching me.

There were times we'd take trips to London, it was the university that he went to... I'm not sure what his connection was there. On those trips, I remember having to pretend I wasn't feeling good so I could sit in the back seat... trying to be out of his reach. He'd turn the heat up, soooo high that it was impossible to stay awake lying down.... and i'd pass out. I'd wake up to him touching me again. Don't touch me, don't fucking touch me. If I could only have screamed those words. I know why I didn't... I needed him in my life, he was all I had. He was my deal with the devil. All I'd have to do is put up with him touching me, and I had someone in my life who would listen to me, who would treat me special... and who honestly made me feel loved. I now know, that wasn't love... that was sick, that was wrong, that was abuse.

I sometimes feel like the only reason I ever ended up in that spot was because of my parents divorce. After we all found out that they were splitting up, I talked to him about it. It was his opening. My mom and dad both went into totally different lives and just simply were not there for us. I dealt with things a lot different... I didn't talk about it, I just kept quiet... went about my ways. All the times that my parents were out being single again, and not parents, I was being molested by that man. I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to get over that without confronting them. I sometimes wonder, after all the rebuilding I've done over this time... is it even worth it? I sometimes wonder, who should I really blame first?

One thing at a time I guess. Firstly, lets find out why I truly feel this way.

... then you gotta breathe

Today was slightly, ever so slightly better than yesterday. I'm just totally not feeling like myself, and it's been a scary feeling. What's worse than feeling like you're losing control of yourself? It takes a lot of faith in who you are to know that you're gonna pull through. And somehow I manage to. I'm not sure if what i've been feeling isn't something medical... I mean it really really is fucked up.

I can't focus on things very well, I'm very short of breath, I'm feeling like i'm anxious... but a different type of anxiety. It's really strange. I just feel drained, like something is not right.

So I made a doctors appointment for 1:45 tomorrow and I'm going... no questions asked. I need to start taking care of myself, like truly.

I miss her, I hope she knows that. Such a strange thing I've been going through and I hope she knows that I'm doing my best to get through. I wonder how she's feeling, what she thinks when I'm gone, I wonder if she knows how much i care about her... regardless of what I'm going through. Sharing what I've shared has been hard, as I pride myself on being a strong man. The truth is, i'm not strong right now.... but i will be. If I stay focused, I'll meet my own expectation and be the great man I want to be. Other thing that's stopping me in the past, and I guess it's caught up.

I'm not afraid though, bring it on.

Getting slightly better

Aw, twas a tough day. I also already posted an entry but lost it somehow in the technical realm of the internot. Shite. Aw well. I had some serious anxiety again today. I'm talking the type that leaves you crippled wondering what the hell is going on... but I'm still alive, I'm still here. I'm still feeling it too, but I know I have to keep fighting. Not fighting it, no no... that's not my approach anymore. Before I would do anything not to face it... now I let it run it's course and try to understand it. I had moments of clarity today too, where I seen things very clear... as me.

It's unfortunate that I lost my post, I was really happy with it. I was talking about my girlfriend.. well a piece of it was about her. Wondering what she means to all of this. The anxiety only really started a few weeks ago when she came here... and it hasn't left since. There were moments at her house when I felt anxious as well. Seems like 'we' are a trigger. Question is, why?

I'm leaning to her representing happiness, trustworthiness, comfort and content. So much so, that it reminds me of him.... that's what I'm thinking. She seems so pure that she may just be real, and what those feelings represent are actually a numbness to me. I know that I love her, but there are things i need to get beyond before I truly feel her. I'm afraid, I should be... last person who seemed like this... who I really opened up to... the damaged me. I offered him the chance of a lifetime today. I offered him the opportunity of redemption. I offered him salvation. I offered him something he never should have been offered... at what price? The price was simple, admit what you've done wrong... help me know that it was real... help me in my healing.

Seems he's bailed on that. It's ok, I don't need him. It was a nice to have, but not essential. His loss.

A song, immortality

vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...

Start

Well, I know I should've been writing these things long ago but I'm finally at the point where I believe it's essential. Alone and forgotten, what's in that name? Well, it's a book by a great author who caught my attention some time ago. The book is about male survivors of sexual abuse, and well I'm one of them.

One of them, yes. But unique as well. I'm dealing with some very serious things right now. For some time, the feelings had been supressed deep in my soul and they have re-surfaced again. Part of what i'd been trying to do is to avoid the anxiety at all costs. Not dealing with it seems to have allowed it to grow further in me, and I'm now at the point where I've been anxious for over a good 2 weeks. Nervous nervous nervous. Feeling like I can't tackle things, like I can't face things right now.

I can though, I know that I can. It seems I've had the strength within me to get to this point in my life. I've managed to do some great things to get to this point, the strength required to simply function on a daily basis is proof enough. Good for me I say, good for me.

I'm very afraid, but I shouldn't be. Something tells me that a part of me is looking to speak. The boy inside, the piece that was left behind long ago. I know that he's there waiting, and at time's I have resented him for making things tough. I realize it's not his fault, I need to give him a gateway to speak. I should be able to speak for him.

I think the boy is scared, very very scared. He feels alone, he feels forgotten. He feels like he's been left behind and never had the chance to live. A lot of that time, I wasn't allowed to live. I had to be strong, I had to endure. I had to make my deal with the devil to feel love. In order to have somebody in my life, who'd listen to me and care... I mean really care... I had to let him rape me. Rape's a strong word, but it's true. I hated every minute of what happened to me with him... sexually that is. I loved the man, he was my father. Not literally, but he was the father that I never had. And he's left me so damaged. Well, not damaged anymore... just challenged, challenged in ways that most aren't.

It makes me special, it makes me unique. It makes me the special boy I always was, gifted beyond my years. And the strong man that I am today, working to protect my precious young son.

I will speak to you, I promise that I will. No longer will it go unsaid. The truth is long overdue.