Getting slightly better

Aw, twas a tough day. I also already posted an entry but lost it somehow in the technical realm of the internot. Shite. Aw well. I had some serious anxiety again today. I'm talking the type that leaves you crippled wondering what the hell is going on... but I'm still alive, I'm still here. I'm still feeling it too, but I know I have to keep fighting. Not fighting it, no no... that's not my approach anymore. Before I would do anything not to face it... now I let it run it's course and try to understand it. I had moments of clarity today too, where I seen things very clear... as me.

It's unfortunate that I lost my post, I was really happy with it. I was talking about my girlfriend.. well a piece of it was about her. Wondering what she means to all of this. The anxiety only really started a few weeks ago when she came here... and it hasn't left since. There were moments at her house when I felt anxious as well. Seems like 'we' are a trigger. Question is, why?

I'm leaning to her representing happiness, trustworthiness, comfort and content. So much so, that it reminds me of him.... that's what I'm thinking. She seems so pure that she may just be real, and what those feelings represent are actually a numbness to me. I know that I love her, but there are things i need to get beyond before I truly feel her. I'm afraid, I should be... last person who seemed like this... who I really opened up to... the damaged me. I offered him the chance of a lifetime today. I offered him the opportunity of redemption. I offered him salvation. I offered him something he never should have been offered... at what price? The price was simple, admit what you've done wrong... help me know that it was real... help me in my healing.

Seems he's bailed on that. It's ok, I don't need him. It was a nice to have, but not essential. His loss.

A song, immortality

vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...