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Well, I know I should've been writing these things long ago but I'm finally at the point where I believe it's essential. Alone and forgotten, what's in that name? Well, it's a book by a great author who caught my attention some time ago. The book is about male survivors of sexual abuse, and well I'm one of them.
One of them, yes. But unique as well. I'm dealing with some very serious things right now. For some time, the feelings had been supressed deep in my soul and they have re-surfaced again. Part of what i'd been trying to do is to avoid the anxiety at all costs. Not dealing with it seems to have allowed it to grow further in me, and I'm now at the point where I've been anxious for over a good 2 weeks. Nervous nervous nervous. Feeling like I can't tackle things, like I can't face things right now.
I can though, I know that I can. It seems I've had the strength within me to get to this point in my life. I've managed to do some great things to get to this point, the strength required to simply function on a daily basis is proof enough. Good for me I say, good for me.
I'm very afraid, but I shouldn't be. Something tells me that a part of me is looking to speak. The boy inside, the piece that was left behind long ago. I know that he's there waiting, and at time's I have resented him for making things tough. I realize it's not his fault, I need to give him a gateway to speak. I should be able to speak for him.
I think the boy is scared, very very scared. He feels alone, he feels forgotten. He feels like he's been left behind and never had the chance to live. A lot of that time, I wasn't allowed to live. I had to be strong, I had to endure. I had to make my deal with the devil to feel love. In order to have somebody in my life, who'd listen to me and care... I mean really care... I had to let him rape me. Rape's a strong word, but it's true. I hated every minute of what happened to me with him... sexually that is. I loved the man, he was my father. Not literally, but he was the father that I never had. And he's left me so damaged. Well, not damaged anymore... just challenged, challenged in ways that most aren't.
It makes me special, it makes me unique. It makes me the special boy I always was, gifted beyond my years. And the strong man that I am today, working to protect my precious young son.
I will speak to you, I promise that I will. No longer will it go unsaid. The truth is long overdue.
One of them, yes. But unique as well. I'm dealing with some very serious things right now. For some time, the feelings had been supressed deep in my soul and they have re-surfaced again. Part of what i'd been trying to do is to avoid the anxiety at all costs. Not dealing with it seems to have allowed it to grow further in me, and I'm now at the point where I've been anxious for over a good 2 weeks. Nervous nervous nervous. Feeling like I can't tackle things, like I can't face things right now.
I can though, I know that I can. It seems I've had the strength within me to get to this point in my life. I've managed to do some great things to get to this point, the strength required to simply function on a daily basis is proof enough. Good for me I say, good for me.
I'm very afraid, but I shouldn't be. Something tells me that a part of me is looking to speak. The boy inside, the piece that was left behind long ago. I know that he's there waiting, and at time's I have resented him for making things tough. I realize it's not his fault, I need to give him a gateway to speak. I should be able to speak for him.
I think the boy is scared, very very scared. He feels alone, he feels forgotten. He feels like he's been left behind and never had the chance to live. A lot of that time, I wasn't allowed to live. I had to be strong, I had to endure. I had to make my deal with the devil to feel love. In order to have somebody in my life, who'd listen to me and care... I mean really care... I had to let him rape me. Rape's a strong word, but it's true. I hated every minute of what happened to me with him... sexually that is. I loved the man, he was my father. Not literally, but he was the father that I never had. And he's left me so damaged. Well, not damaged anymore... just challenged, challenged in ways that most aren't.
It makes me special, it makes me unique. It makes me the special boy I always was, gifted beyond my years. And the strong man that I am today, working to protect my precious young son.
I will speak to you, I promise that I will. No longer will it go unsaid. The truth is long overdue.
posted by samson at 7:53 PM
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