... then you gotta breathe

Today was slightly, ever so slightly better than yesterday. I'm just totally not feeling like myself, and it's been a scary feeling. What's worse than feeling like you're losing control of yourself? It takes a lot of faith in who you are to know that you're gonna pull through. And somehow I manage to. I'm not sure if what i've been feeling isn't something medical... I mean it really really is fucked up.

I can't focus on things very well, I'm very short of breath, I'm feeling like i'm anxious... but a different type of anxiety. It's really strange. I just feel drained, like something is not right.

So I made a doctors appointment for 1:45 tomorrow and I'm going... no questions asked. I need to start taking care of myself, like truly.

I miss her, I hope she knows that. Such a strange thing I've been going through and I hope she knows that I'm doing my best to get through. I wonder how she's feeling, what she thinks when I'm gone, I wonder if she knows how much i care about her... regardless of what I'm going through. Sharing what I've shared has been hard, as I pride myself on being a strong man. The truth is, i'm not strong right now.... but i will be. If I stay focused, I'll meet my own expectation and be the great man I want to be. Other thing that's stopping me in the past, and I guess it's caught up.

I'm not afraid though, bring it on.